He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
