fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize