I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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