yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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