so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
