I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize