fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
