I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
zippers are such a cool invention
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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