Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
After tacos, we're chasing women.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
