Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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