I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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