Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It's shark week go big or go home
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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