Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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