My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
