community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Randomize
