guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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