You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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