No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
