totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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