I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
