We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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