oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
