Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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