Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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