Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Randomize
