just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Congratulations! We have a period
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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