Kareoke will never be a sober sport
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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