I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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