My cat gives me a boner
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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