Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
