i already hear my dad disowning me
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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