why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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