Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
