I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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