She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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