im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
