he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
