I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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