Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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