I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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