i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize