smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
