So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
