can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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