I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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