I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
