I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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