Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
