I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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