I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
