mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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