I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
