We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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