another moral hangover. fuck.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
