You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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