You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The struggles of a small town man whore
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize