hotel room ftw
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
