I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Dear god my vagina.
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